michael king

stack of stained pages, redacted love letters, spilling ink, pressing it into tomorrow

when i knew #35.

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“Well, I always knew I liked boys. That was who I was supposed to like, and I did. Up until high school, there was no question about that.

“Then, a childhood best friend reentered my life, and she was pretty much the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and only got more beautiful as we got to know each other again. I wasn’t in love, because I loved her boyfriend like a brother, and I couldn’t do that to him. But I just couldn’t get her out of my head.  Eventually, I got into ‘just-friends’ territory with her, no tension, and neither of them know to this day.

“After that, I knew that there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what it was. What to call it. Anything. Luckily, in college, I was involved with an amazingly accepting group of people, and, over lunch, I described my attraction as being to pretty much anyone. Th person, I said, mattered more to me than the genitalia. A friend said, ‘Oh, so you’re pan.’ I had no idea what it meant, but after some research, I realized that pansexual was the best way to describe how I felt about my sexuality. My ‘when I knew’ was more than a single moment; it was a series of moments over time.

– H

when i knew #34.

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This post has been redacted.

when i knew #33.

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“I was always a curious child and was really a loner in elementary school. I usually hung out with girls and admired my male classmates. I always thought, ‘Wow, they’re so cool,’ and ‘I want to be like them.’ I was constantly trying to impress the other male students in my class.

“The older I got the more confused I became. I became infatuated with guys. and I never knew what to do. I was so disgusted with myself; I thought there was something wrong with me. I remember in the 7th grade writing ‘I’m gay’ in a notebook. Just the action of writing it down gave me so much anxiety, my heart was pounding like I had just sprinted a marathon.

“I wished so many times that it was a phase and that it would go away. I was so afraid of rejection. I think I finally came to terms my during my freshman year of high school with the fact that I’m gay, and, for the first time, I was proud of who I was. It was a time when a lot of people were coming out, and I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. This became a turning point for me; I became more outgoing and became just a happier person in general. I honestly think, at only 20 years old, my story is still unfolding and developing more each day.”

– T