if i could change #7.

by Michael King

pink

“I always had intermittent feelings for guys or girls throughout high school. I was never sure which was the ‘right’ way to feel, but it was just high school, so I figured I would find out soon enough. When a boy I liked egged me on ‘as a joke,’ I did get rather upset. I thought we had a great connection, but since it never came to anything, it didn’t matter.

A lot of things in my life, I reduce to ‘not mattering.’

“As much as I spoke about liking girls, I never really pined over them the same way I did guys. When I finally met the ‘right guy’ and felt comfortable coming out to my mom, I did so.

And that’s when I wanted to change myself.

“My mom seemed so angry, and I felt like such a disappointment. Who wants a gay son? So, whenever my relationship ended, I felt like it was the perfect time to take a step back. I started talking about women, working to convince everyone I was straight – or at least bi. Who knows if it worked? It messed around with my mind a bit, though –– having feelings that didn’t match up with my words.

“Maybe I’ve wasted the last few years of my life, but a recent conversation with my mom really cleared up my brain. I don’t have to be something I’m not. And who knows, maybe being straight would be the easy way out.

“But I’m not about the easy way anymore. I’ve spent enough time trying to be someone straight. It’s time to be me – to embrace the feelings inside.”

– J

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