“I had a girlfriend in high school, but we didn’t call each other girlfriends and we didn’t tell anyone we were romantic in any way. One day, my mom walked in on us kissing. Later that night my parents quizzed me about my sexuality and told me they loved me and it was okay to be gay, but the word ‘gay’ just never felt like it described me.

“I started dating my boyfriend shortly thereafter. And then in college I dated another woman. It wasn’t until I got involved in the university’s LGBT and Ally club and I met dozens of other people of many different identities that I realized that sometimes sexuality is too intricate for words.

“So I have recently been dating men again. But I have realized that my sexuality is immensely complex, and it’s still evolving, and I’m still making sense of it all, and that is all okay.”

– H

“Who am I? What do you care? As I thought about writing my story, my mind filled with many concerns, worries, and frustrations. I didn’t want to be a stereotype or create conflicts of interest between my experiences and those of others. I didn’t want my story be controversial. Then all of the sudden it hit me: I am me. I. Am. Me. What a concept.  I don’t need to wear a mask to share my story, so here it goes:

“Hello. My name is James. I am organized. I am a friend. I am a husband. I am a lover. I am loyal. I am deceitful. I am a son. I am gay. I am confused. I am strong. I am a gossip. I am moral. I am a student. I am a leader. I am human. I am a child of God. These are just few of the roles I play and also try to hide on a daily basis.

“‘I am gay’ was certainly harder to say at one point than it is to write today. I have always known in one sense or another that I was gay; it wasn’t like one day I woke up after a fever and became ill with homosexuality. When I was younger, I would listen to what others said and professed on the topic and tricked myself into believing I was a bad person,  that I did not want to be gay because I would end up alone in the world and most likely head straight to hell.

“I used to dream about guys in my high school class that I thought were attractive. Getting a high-five or even a hug during a class retreat was an amazing feeling. Somehow I was connected to them. I didn’t want to hurt the girls that ‘liked’ me. I started to wear masks during my middle and high school years. Which mask could I wear to hide myself for as long as possible? Would I be the class president who always wanted to control the situation and didn’t want to delegate duties? Or would I hide behind my own faith, professing to others at my own retreat that I wasn’t gay? Or the kid that would sit at home watching porn from the age of 14 onward because I didn’t what else to do with my feelings towards men?

“I must confess that these were all me. I am not proud of the masks I wore, but I cannot change my past. It is through these experiences I have learned and have tried to become a better person, even if that takes a lifetime to do. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I finally felt comfortable sharing my feelings about men with my close friends. Through many tears and deep conversations, I made it through. During my study abroad experience others let me know it was okay to be me. It was okay to take time to express myself. It was okay to take a moment.

“I would like to share a poem about wearing masks:

‘Undone,’ by Christine Bruness
Slowly he unraveled
bandages of facades
and bravely peeled apart
the cracked layers
of his contrived persona,
exposing his darkness
in all its authenticity
feeling vulnerable…
then free
by becoming undone.”

– J

“I came out of the womb belting musical theatre tunes, and to save ourselves the stereotypes, I promise this is not headed in THAT direction. Imagine at four years old I am singing in my living room ‘Some Enchanted Evening’ from South Pacific, I look to my parents and say, ‘I cannot wait to marry a girl just like Nellie.’

“My parents, unlike some, did not find this idea cute. They squashed the idea, ‘You cannot do that! You are BOTH girls.” Interestingly, this was news to me – as I had never and will never view myself as female. Yet, here I am, 24 years old living as I have always seen myself – the leading man.“

– B

“I was 22. I kissed a girl. Well, she kissed me. I turned around, walked to my car, and sat there.

“I should have known in high school, when I looked at my best friend during a sleepover and wondered what it would be like to kiss her.

“I should have known when I rewatched the lesbian kiss in Dodgeball over and over and over.

“I should have known when I became obsessed with Manny Santos on Degrassi. (To this day, I still have a thing for the Latinas.)

“But I didn’t know any of those times. I knew immediately after this girl kissed me.”

– A

“It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I ‘knew.’ Perhaps when I admitted it is a better way to navigate this story. I always thought I might be gay from a young age. I would make a comment that would seem out of character for a boy, and friends or family members would follow up with, ‘That’s kind of gay, don’t you think?’ Speaking with a lisp intensified these comments. People can be cruel after all.

“However, every time my sexuality crossed my mind, I would immediately dismiss the thought. High school proved more difficult to avoid these thoughts. A tri-sport athlete and a member of the High School Wrestling Team, I spent much time around good-looking young men. It was hard not to notice my feelings for them. I worked hard to bury these emotions for four years.

“When I reached my sophomore year of college, I was struggling with these feelings more than ever. At 19, I attended a weekend retreat put on by my college’s Campus Ministry department. The retreat focused on personal and spiritual growth. While it wasn’t based around religion, God was central to many of the activities and discussion that weekend. During a part of the retreat, the attendants wrote a private letter to God that they later burned as an offering to him. The letter could be about whatever we wanted. I chose to ask God why he made me gay. Why would he put me through this pain and misery? My letter went on for five pages. I berated God. I told him I hated him, that I hated myself. I was pissed off, and I let him know it. I deserved to know why I was different. Why I was destined to go to hell according to the Bible.

“This was the first time I ever wrote the words, ‘I am gay.’ Tears streamed down my face as I knelt before the fire. I felt so broken as I tossed my letter into the pit and watched it burn.”

– R

“It took me roughly 21 years to figure it out. And days short of my 23rd birthday before I said it out loud. I never felt as if I would be abandoned or hated but I never had a concrete feeling that I was ‘different’ either. Fleeting feelings for girls here and there that I dismissed as envy. I only wanted to be LIKE them, I didn’t want to be WITH them. I’m a sucker for love but looking back something about same sex couples always warmed my heart a little more.

“In high school I fell head over heels in love with a boy. Problem solved! I was straight! Until that ended. And then, after several other failed relationships, I had to ask myself why I always found flaws. Here come those strange feelings again. Do I ‘like’ her? Or do I just enjoy her friendship?

“Near the end of college, I had done enough vague exploration through conversations with friends that I think I had come to terms with it. But I needed to be 100% sure. The words almost burst through my lips multiple times before my head was ready, though I could tell my heart was ready. That’s when I knew.”

– A

“Being gay was never brought up or talked about in my house. My parents never had a sit-down talk about the difference, nor was it brought up in school. Oh, the joys of going to a Catholic grade school! When it was brought up, it was quickly dismissed as being ‘wrong.’ No backing, no reasoning…just wrong.

“I almost went through all of high school not dating anyone until my senior year. I dated a girl I met that summer at camp, but she lived three hours away. The distance did not bother me, though, as it wasn’t something I was totally invested in. Others found it strange I dated someone so far away. That was short-lived, and I moved on without any emotional backlash.

“I remember thinking to myself ‘what if?’ and ‘could I be?’ all the time. I was told over and over again that it was ‘wrong.’ I never wanted to upset my parents by being gay. There was a constant fear of my parents finding out.

“My Sophomore year of college, a group of friends and I were hanging out in my dorm room and we watched a movie. We all crammed into the small room, popped in a DVD, and turned the lights off. Partly through the movie, people were dozing off, on their phones texting, and/or not paying much attention to the movie. All of a sudden, I felt my hand get nudged.

“I ignored it and moved my hand slightly.

“It happened again, but this time, the fingers locked with my own. Another guy was holding my hand. I turned my head away from him, but I had the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. What was this? What was happening? I had never felt this way before. I was so confused, but at the same time I felt so happy. I looked over and saw him grinning at me. What only lasted a few minutes felt like an eternity.

“We come back to the question, ‘When did I know?’ Well, I always knew. But I had trouble accepting myself. What changed, for me, was being off on my own and creating my own experiences. Ever since that moment, I have not turned back.

“Just a few shorts weeks after the ‘hand holding’ I came out to my first friend. That feeling was like opening a soda can shaken up constantly over nineteen years. Once the ‘secret’ was out, the world was much better place. Words almost can’t describe the feeling of that event. Even thinking about the whole experience of how it all came about brings back so many emotions. Both good and bad.”

– M

“I actually struggled with myself since about the age of eleven.

“Four years later, on New Year’s Eve, I was helping this single mother of five babysit, and all the kids went to bed. So there we were, me and this grown woman, and we were talking about how being gay is okay while we were taking down her Christmas tree.

“I told her ‘I think I’m gay.’

“She made a point to look at me and asked ‘You think? or you know you’re gay?‘

“And that’s when I realized I’m gay. No more doubts. It was also the first time I realized that nothing will really change; the same people will love me regardless.”

– A

“I started having suspicions about my sexuality at the very early age of six. My older brothers were very much into watching professional wrestling, and I remember wondering why everyone thought two nearly naked men rolling together on the floor was violent. To me, it seemed fun, and I started wanting to be a wrestler one day.

“When I knew for certain, I was just a little bit older. I developed my first crush on a guy in third grade. I found myself trying to become good friends with him, even taking up basketball just to play with him at recess. I spent the rest of my school days until high school just trying to feign interest in girls (and failing miserably). It was a relief to finally come out (via a bulletin on Myspace) just before starting high school in a new town. I had my first boyfriend within a month. Magic times.“

– Z

“I think a little part of me always knew I was gay even before I had the words to express it to myself or others. There was always this voice of dissent in the back of my mind that, when someone would make a comment about me in relation to a girl, would say, ‘No, not really’ or ‘What do you mean?’

“I vividly remember watching She’s the Man starring Channing Tatum when I was 14 and having all of these thoughts about Tatum’s character. He was gorgeous.

“I moved past those confusing thoughts into high school and dated several girls. They were typical high school relationships in that they lasted a few months and then broke apart. One of these relationships lasted longer than the others, and I remember her asking me, after eight months of dating: ‘Why haven’t we had sex yet?’

“What a perplexing question to be asked as a 17-year-old male! The door was wide open for me to do what I was always told I should do. This incredible experience was at my fingertips, but I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. I couldn’t even imagine myself doing that, let alone actually performing it. I just knew my anatomy wouldn’t cooperate. After all the years of compartmentalizing it, hiding it, shoving it away, watching gay porn, lusting after other guys, I just couldn’t hide it anymore.

“’It’s just a phase you’re going through.’ ‘You’ll find the right girl someday!’ All of these sayings were floating around in my head. The denial was so real, but that simple question from my girlfriend made me realize that I just could not be that person. It was wrong of me to string her along, and, even more so, it was wrong of me to string myself along. It was time to stop hiding. That’s when I knew.”

– A