“I’m not sure how to categorize my story. I saw the ‘when I knew’ posts and I found myself getting choked up at so many stories that sounded like my own. I decided to participate in the ‘if I could change’ project, but I guess this can go either way.

“I first realized I was attracted to men in the fourth grade. I remember an ad popping up on the computer for some kind of underwear company, and it was a muscular man. I was amazed at his body and how tight and strong he looked. It was the first time I ever found myself thinking a man was ‘cute.’ I then decided to look up pictures of men in underwear. My dad came home that night from work and looked at the browsing history and was stunned by what he saw. At dinner that night, he sat my sister and me down and had a talk with us. I admitted to being the one looking at the pictures, but I played it off as me being innocent and confused.

–

“As I grew up, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get pictures of men out of my head. I had a few girlfriends and eventually lost my virginity to a girl. My parents found out, and I knew I finally had them believing I was straight, even though I still had thoughts of men in my head.

“I went to work correcting my ‘orientation.’ I began watching porn with threesomes, which I reasoned was ‘straight’ because a woman was involved. In high school, as a freshman, I admitted to myself that I was into guys, but I started to feel ‘wrong’ about it again by my junior year. I started watching lesbian porn, trying to make myself straight. While I watched the porn, I found myself opening tabs to look at guys too. I Googled ways to act straight and to think straight. I started lying to people and telling them I was hooking up with girls from other schools so that they thought I wasn’t gay. High school was hell for me.

“Eventually, I met a man on Grindr, and we had sex. I felt absolutely disgusting. I told myself I would never do it again and that it wasn’t for me. However, a week or two later, I began watching gay porn again. I graduated high school as a liar. I told so many people so many lies to try to cover my true identity.

–

“Coming to college, I began to find more people like me: people who loved people for who they are. I have only told a few close friends, so sharing this is a huge step for me, but I can say for sure that I would never change myself. I tried so hard to do that in high school, and it was so much added stress.

“The one thing I am jealous of completely straight people is that they don’t have to explain themselves to anyone. They are ‘normal.’ They don’t have to worry about laws to get married. They can – besides a few barriers for some – have kids whenever they want. If I end up marrying a man, we will need to adopt or find a wiling surrogate. Straight people don’t have to worry if their parents will still love them for being with who their heart wants. They don’t have to participate in blogs explaining when they first realized they were straight. It’s hard being a part of the LGBT+ community, but I feel it makes me stronger as a person, and it teaches me that no matter what happens, I will have someone there to turn to.”

– W

“The process of discovering that you are different is always masked with the comfort of the status quo. You’ve always done something this way. You’ve always felt this way. It’s always been normal to you until someone puts doubt into your head.

“The moment I realized I may be different was some time in middle school when the word ‘fag’ was presented smack-dab to my face. The word stung the very bottom of my soul, the vehemence and malicious intent behind it bringing forth many emotions: anger, fear, sadness, doubt. That very word spiraled an analysis of all my past behaviors; it shook the very foundation of who I was. So much that I had an existential crisis at the age of thirteen. Is there something wrong with me? Am I normal? Are other people feeling this? Why wasn’t this a problem before? Can I change this? Hide this? Why me?

–

“I played it off like I assume many other gay men in their formative teenage years probably do: I bantered back with other slurs, shamed the gay community, and tried my best to be heterosexual in a world that demanded it. The heteronormative pull connected strongly to my cultural roots. As a Mexican-American young man, I was expected to be the utmost machista.

“When my parents saw my Internet browsing history, they brought me immediately to church. ‘You’re confused.’It’s the things you see on television that are making you this way.’ ‘Pray to God to fix you and take these evil thoughts of your head.’

“When I presented myself in front of the altar, I was an absolute mess. There I was, fourteen, thinking I was going to die and burn in hell for the rest of eternity. Didn’t God make me like this? I didn’t wake up and decide to be gay; it just happened.

“When I finally took communion, a wave of relief flushed over me. I would not call myself a spiritual person, but something spiritual told me everything was going to be all right. From this moment forward, I just took deep breaths and let happen whatever was to happen.

–

“As I reflect on the years of my life thus far, I’m filled with nothing but happiness. Being a gay man wasn’t too hard of a battle once I accepted it. I quickly learned that surrounding myself with people who love me for who I am was more beneficial to my well-being. I would never want to change who am I, nor the way I came to accept it, because my experiences made me who I am today. If I wasn’t gay, I’d be an altogether different man that may or may not be so willing to accept things out of the ‘norm.’ Sure, some people got hurt in the process, many were taken aback, many left my side, and many more held my hands through the journey. It all comes down to the quote that ‘those who mind don’t matter; and those who matter don’t mind.'”

– J

“Okay. So I sealed the deal with my homosexuality by having sex at 15. The thing was that it wasn’t that big of a deal to me when it happened. It felt good, and I had something to brag about. I didn’t care that I lost my virginity, but I was scared by the fact that it was with a man. I remember spending nights locked in my room yelling at God for making me gay in a world that would never fully love me for the person I am. I didn’t want to be straight; I just wanted it to be okay with everyone else that I was gay. Dealing with the fact that this wasn’t going to happen (and still hasn’t) was the thing I struggled with the most.

–

“I guess I didn’t make any huge attempts to be straight or ‘straight-acting.’ I was on dance team and was a manager for the volleyball team. I had a few girlfriends in middle school, my only period of dating females, and the most I ever did was kiss someone on the cheek. I dated during that age mainly because everyone else was, but I never felt attracted to the girls I dated. If anything, I am happy I did, because the girls I gay-dated ended up being good friends.

–

“The only thing I envy about the heterosexual life is the established societal roles and the resulting simplicity. I want kids more than anything else in my life. If I was straight, it would be as simple as deciding with a woman to get pregnant. Instead, I have to find someone willing to put forth the money, commitment, and effort to adopt or find a surrogate. That’s the only thing I envy of any heterosexual person. Besides that, I absolutely love and adore my sexuality and what it means for me, including the bad.“

– T

“I developed a crush on my best friend my first year in high school. Every chance we got to be alone, we would be making out. My heart would flutter, and it felt so natural to kiss her. My mother walked in on us one day, and I distinctly remember the look on her face. Shock, horror, silence. I wished, in that moment, I could just melt into the walls and disappear forever. I wished I could change that moment, all the moments leading up to it. I wondered what would have happened if it was a boy instead of a girl I had been kissing. I would have given anything not to have my mother look at me like she did. That look is forever etched into my memory. That was the moment I realized I was different.

–

“Coming to grips with my fluid identity has been a constant back-and-forth since I was a child, a perpetual struggle between how I feel about my sexuality and the expectations of my family or the tenets of my faith. My father once said to me, ‘If you’re bisexual, why can’t you just ignore your feelings about other girls? Your life will be easier if you date men.’ I can see why he asked this question, but it still makes me angry. If it was that simple, I think, don’t you think that is what I would do?

“I have dated both men and women since high school, and I think my family does a secret little celebration every time I introduce them to a new boyfriend. I know it is disappointing to them when I’m dating a woman. I feel that my attraction to a person is based on more than just their physical characteristics, but I believe, to my family, a relationship with another woman is less valid. So what happens if I fall in love with a woman? If I want to marry and have my children with another woman? And I tend to have more fulfilling relationships with women, so what does that mean for my relationships with my family?

–

“If I could wave a magic wand and just be completely and authentically heterosexual? Absolutely. 100%. YES. I whole-heartedly applaud LGBT-spectrum identified folks who can say they honestly accept their sexual- or gender-identity, but I also know I’m not in that place. I don’t know how to get to that place. I want ‘normal.’ I want a partner who I can introduce to my family and to my faith community and to my friends without that constant nagging voice in the back of my head asking if I am ‘less than’ because of my partner. And most of all, I want to erase the memory of my mother’s horrified, shocked face.”

– H

“When I came out to my parents, I told them I was sorry for being gay. I told them that I tried not to be gay. I really did try.

“Throughout middle school and high school, I – no question – wanted to be heterosexual. I come from a relatively traditional household and, while I have very accepting parents and siblings now, I never used to think they would accept me for being gay. Many have tried to pray the gay away, and I was no different. I remember nightly getting on my knees to pray and truly begging God for me to wake up the next morning and be infatuated with women, just like my brother. I remember bargaining with God and promising ‘I would do anything not to be gay.’ I’m disappointed, looking back, on how much I wanted to fit the social norm.

“The worst decision my parents could have made was allowing me to have a computer in my room and a lock on my door. Of my own volition, I decided I would engage in a gay conversion therapy that I created for myself. I came to the conclusion that, if I watched and masturbated to enough straight porn or pictures of naked women, and terminated my viewing of any gay porn, I could definitely turn myself straight. I remember thinking, ‘THIS IS IT! I FIGURED IT OUT!’ I truly thought this was genius and wondered why no one had thought of this. Despite my clearly flawless therapeutic technique, my feelings were not muted.

“Throughout high school, the only conclusion I could wrap my head around was that I would settle on being with women or I would never have a sexual experience with anyone. Of course, there’s a limit to how much a person can ignore his or her true needs. The first time I ever had a sexual experience with a guy was with a close friend during my high school senior year spring break. I was drunk when it happened, but not drunk enough to forget it the next day. When I woke up in the morning, I was overcome with guilt and shame. I had indescribable anxiety and fear of what my life would become. For so long, I had been fully in the closet, and this was the first time another individual had proof of something I was ashamed to admit.

“I was overwhelmingly distraught and fearful immediately following that first sexual encounter, and only one thing brought me peace: I decided to kill myself. A sense of true resolve came over me once I looked over our spring break condo balcony to the concrete below. I remember thinking, ‘This is just how life goes. If you act on those feelings, you have to kill yourself. And that’s okay.’ I didn’t remotely care about my future or myself; I cared about my family, friends, and God, the ones who would be affected by me being gay. People say suicide is a selfish act, but mine would have been completely for the benefit of others. Of course, this wouldn’t have benefited others, but my tainted mind honestly felt that it was the most admirable course of action. Standing there, on the balcony, I looked down and considered my life.

–

“I was so close to doing it. I did not jump, but it scares me still to think that I was so at peace with losing my life. The mentality that evolved from growing up in a traditional church, in a traditional family, with the absence of any homosexual role model, made me believe to commit suicide would truly be for the better. This is why overtly close-minded traditional households and churches are dangerous and an inarguable factor in many gay teen suicides. Teens are just so impressionable and my impression was that the world would rather have a dead gay man than an honest one.

“It baffles me that some people still think it is a choice to be gay. Look at all of the times I chose not to be gay, begged not to be gay, and tried not to be gay, but didn’t succeed. Of course, today, I love myself and I love everything that has become of me. I confidently feel that my family and friends love me for everything that I am. I am incredibly lucky, blessed, and privileged in so many ways. I don’t want to be all ‘woe is me’ when so many have gone through worse heartache. I wouldn’t change who I am and wouldn’t change the winding road that got me to where I am today, but I wouldn’t necessarily wish such a road on anyone else.”

– J

“‘You know,’ my mom said to me, ‘you’re going to start feeling pretty different about girls here soon.’ I was twelve years old, and I remember thinking that was awesome news. A whole new world ­– hand-holding, kissing, and school dances ­– was about to open its arms to me.

“As my adolescence unfolded, however, I noticed no change in my feelings toward girls. What I did notice, however, was the way my heart raced whenever a popular boy – let’s call him Steve ­– flashed a smile my way. At a time when I felt particularly invisible, Steve was the person who seemed to see me, inviting me to social circles and laughing uproariously at my jokes. I thought about him each morning when I picked out the day’s clothes, each afternoon on the bus ride home. I remember thinking I shouldn’t be feeling that way, but the crush persisted. These were the feelings I’d been waiting on.

–

“One day, as my social studies class was walking to the school library, a girl from my class said to me, ‘Hey, I have a question. Are you gay?’ Her friends laughed behind us, and everyone watched for my response. I denied it immediately. How do they know? I thought. By the end of the day, the rumor had spread that I had answered ‘yes.’ I was breathless on the bus home; I needed to change my image.

“I focused on walking in a more manly way. I became more expressive of a ‘crush’ I felt on a girl in my class. I made sure that she knew about it. I made homophobic jokes with my friends. We spoke often of how much we liked girls (so much so that we would be lesbians if we were girls – I wasn’t the only one in a closet.)

“At church camp the following summer, I was overwhelmed with emotion after a closing ‘solitary walk’ that involved being quiet with God on a walk to a prayer meeting. When I arrived, I sat down and prayed as hard as I could. Fix me, I begged. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be separated from You. I don’t want to be separated from my family. I don’t want to be different. Change this. I remembered something my grandma had said: that God would move mountains for us if we only believed enough. Move this mountain in me.

“The mountain didn’t move, so I convinced myself it was my burden not to notice it. If I searched long enough, I romanticized, I’d find The Woman, whose match for me would be so obvious I’d be relieved I didn’t acknowledge the mountain. I fell into a long relationship in high school, one with a woman I truly cared for. As the relationship moved into college, however, the mountain loomed in my periphery.

“The relationship fell apart. A little over a year later, I had my first sexual encounter with a man, an experience that forced me to turn and look at this ‘mountain.’ It was a tangle of knots within me I had refused to acknowledge. Hands shaky, I began untangling, digging into the part of me I’d fought so long to believe wasn’t there.

–

“It has been such a journey to get to this point, to stand here and say this: The truth is that, no matter how much easier life might be, I absolutely would not change this about myself. Being gay is a component of who I am, as integral as my sense of humor or sleeping position, and the road to accepting myself has not only made me stronger, but it has made me more compassionate and courageous. My life has possibilities, I have realized. Not despite who I am, but as a result of who I am. This is a piece of me. I am strong and brave enough to love it.

“On the way here, I have rested on some friends like family, forever bonded through a process of gathering the courage to say the words I needed to say. I treasure those bonds. With these friends, I learned not to go it alone. Since learning that lesson, I have worked to become a safe space for others exploring this line. To say I would change would undermine the words I give people who come out to me: That we are important, that our lives matter, that we have something special to contribute.

“And then there are the first kisses, the late nights talking and laughing, the hard-fought expressions of love and admiration, the arguments and the silences and the making up after. We fought for these. The thought of losing those moments, of the people on the other side of them becoming like strangers, rips at me.

“This is who I am. It took wild courage, stubborn persistence, and remarkable strength to turn that question mark into a period. So, you’ll have to excuse my absoluteness, but I’m not asking to be changed.”

– M

“As a child, I experienced what too many people in our world experience: rape. At the age of 5, I was raped and then molested for an additional three years until the man left my hometown. The idea of ever being with a man or liking a boy after such a dark time in my life was simply out of the question. I liked girls.

“My gestures, speech pattern, and even personality all seemed stereotypically characteristic of a gay man but I was confident in who I was. I had a number of girlfriends, and, though I could recognize certain men as attractive, it did little to sway me from my hormonal obsession with the female body as a teenager!

“Coming to college, I was still bombarded with the typical questions about whether or not I was gay. Without sharing my personal story, it was difficult for people to understand, and many just assumed I was in the closet and would eventually come out. It didn’t help that I admitted to finding some men attractive. To quell the masses, I began to label myself along the Kinsey scale. Essentially, this boiled down to me admitting to finding some men attractive but only sexually pursuing and engaging with women.

“My junior year brought about a bit of a change. I was going to hang out with my best friend and one his guy friends. My friend bailed last minute (not out of place for him to do), and so it was just me and a guy I barely knew watching Disney movies in my room. We talked, made some jokes and started to connect in a different way than I connected with my other male friends.

“I don’t know why that day. I don’t even remember what else was going on in my life that made me more confident that this was okay. But, at one point, I looked at him and said, ‘I really want to kiss you.’ And we did.

“He was the first guy I could see myself with. He was sweet, funny, smart, cute, and an amazing person. It didn’t make me like girls any less, and I was incredibly happy. The relationship with him was such an eye-opening experience for me and helped me to realize that I like both girls and guys – and that is okay.”

– J

The “When I Knew” project has been nothing short of inspirational, which has a lot to do with the courage and honesty of the people who have chosen to share their stories and experiences. When there is a safe space for authenticity, I think, we find the most compelling and legitimate versions of ourselves emerge.

And, so it is, that I introduce the next project. This one is focused on the question of, if LGBT+ individuals had the choice to live the life of a completely, authentically heterosexual-and-cisgender person, would they?

The question came to me when I heard a gay peer reason that his sexuality was not a choice, as “who would choose this?” I began to explore that question myself: Would I choose a different story for myself if I could?

If you are LGBT+ and thinking of contributing, here are the questions I am curious to hear the answers to:

1. When you first realized you might be different, what was your initial reaction? Did you want to change? Did you feel “normal?” 
2. If any, what steps or strategies did you adopt to try to change? What was that experience like?
3. If you could change your life to the life of a completely heterosexual-and-cisgender person, would you? Why or why not?

These can be submitted to me via Facebook message, Twitter message, or e-mail. I will post them anonymously as soon as I can. Hopefully, as with the “when-I-knew” narratives, they will inspire empathy and courage among the people reading them.

“Well, I always knew I liked boys. That was who I was supposed to like, and I did. Up until high school, there was no question about that.

“Then, a childhood best friend reentered my life, and she was pretty much the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and only got more beautiful as we got to know each other again. I wasn’t in love, because I loved her boyfriend like a brother, and I couldn’t do that to him. But I just couldn’t get her out of my head.  Eventually, I got into ‘just-friends’ territory with her, no tension, and neither of them know to this day.

“After that, I knew that there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what it was. What to call it. Anything. Luckily, in college, I was involved with an amazingly accepting group of people, and, over lunch, I described my attraction as being to pretty much anyone. Th person, I said, mattered more to me than the genitalia. A friend said, ‘Oh, so you’re pan.’ I had no idea what it meant, but after some research, I realized that pansexual was the best way to describe how I felt about my sexuality. My ‘when I knew’ was more than a single moment; it was a series of moments over time.“

– H

This post has been redacted.

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