“As a child, I experienced what too many people in our world experience: rape. At the age of 5, I was raped and then molested for an additional three years until the man left my hometown. The idea of ever being with a man or liking a boy after such a dark time in my life was simply out of the question. I liked girls.

“My gestures, speech pattern, and even personality all seemed stereotypically characteristic of a gay man but I was confident in who I was. I had a number of girlfriends, and, though I could recognize certain men as attractive, it did little to sway me from my hormonal obsession with the female body as a teenager!

“Coming to college, I was still bombarded with the typical questions about whether or not I was gay. Without sharing my personal story, it was difficult for people to understand, and many just assumed I was in the closet and would eventually come out. It didn’t help that I admitted to finding some men attractive. To quell the masses, I began to label myself along the Kinsey scale. Essentially, this boiled down to me admitting to finding some men attractive but only sexually pursuing and engaging with women.

“My junior year brought about a bit of a change. I was going to hang out with my best friend and one his guy friends. My friend bailed last minute (not out of place for him to do), and so it was just me and a guy I barely knew watching Disney movies in my room. We talked, made some jokes and started to connect in a different way than I connected with my other male friends.

“I don’t know why that day. I don’t even remember what else was going on in my life that made me more confident that this was okay. But, at one point, I looked at him and said, ‘I really want to kiss you.’ And we did.

“He was the first guy I could see myself with. He was sweet, funny, smart, cute, and an amazing person. It didn’t make me like girls any less, and I was incredibly happy. The relationship with him was such an eye-opening experience for me and helped me to realize that I like both girls and guys – and that is okay.”

– J

The “When I Knew” project has been nothing short of inspirational, which has a lot to do with the courage and honesty of the people who have chosen to share their stories and experiences. When there is a safe space for authenticity, I think, we find the most compelling and legitimate versions of ourselves emerge.

And, so it is, that I introduce the next project. This one is focused on the question of, if LGBT+ individuals had the choice to live the life of a completely, authentically heterosexual-and-cisgender person, would they?

The question came to me when I heard a gay peer reason that his sexuality was not a choice, as “who would choose this?” I began to explore that question myself: Would I choose a different story for myself if I could?

If you are LGBT+ and thinking of contributing, here are the questions I am curious to hear the answers to:

1. When you first realized you might be different, what was your initial reaction? Did you want to change? Did you feel “normal?” 
2. If any, what steps or strategies did you adopt to try to change? What was that experience like?
3. If you could change your life to the life of a completely heterosexual-and-cisgender person, would you? Why or why not?

These can be submitted to me via Facebook message, Twitter message, or e-mail. I will post them anonymously as soon as I can. Hopefully, as with the “when-I-knew” narratives, they will inspire empathy and courage among the people reading them.

“Well, I always knew I liked boys. That was who I was supposed to like, and I did. Up until high school, there was no question about that.

“Then, a childhood best friend reentered my life, and she was pretty much the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and only got more beautiful as we got to know each other again. I wasn’t in love, because I loved her boyfriend like a brother, and I couldn’t do that to him. But I just couldn’t get her out of my head.  Eventually, I got into ‘just-friends’ territory with her, no tension, and neither of them know to this day.

“After that, I knew that there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what it was. What to call it. Anything. Luckily, in college, I was involved with an amazingly accepting group of people, and, over lunch, I described my attraction as being to pretty much anyone. Th person, I said, mattered more to me than the genitalia. A friend said, ‘Oh, so you’re pan.’ I had no idea what it meant, but after some research, I realized that pansexual was the best way to describe how I felt about my sexuality. My ‘when I knew’ was more than a single moment; it was a series of moments over time.“

– H

This post has been redacted.

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“I was always a curious child and was really a loner in elementary school. I usually hung out with girls and admired my male classmates. I always thought, ‘Wow, they’re so cool,’ and ‘I want to be like them.’ I was constantly trying to impress the other male students in my class.

“The older I got the more confused I became. I became infatuated with guys. and I never knew what to do. I was so disgusted with myself; I thought there was something wrong with me. I remember in the 7th grade writing ‘I’m gay’ in a notebook. Just the action of writing it down gave me so much anxiety, my heart was pounding like I had just sprinted a marathon.

“I wished so many times that it was a phase and that it would go away. I was so afraid of rejection. I think I finally came to terms my during my freshman year of high school with the fact that I’m gay, and, for the first time, I was proud of who I was. It was a time when a lot of people were coming out, and I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. This became a turning point for me; I became more outgoing and became just a happier person in general. I honestly think, at only 20 years old, my story is still unfolding and developing more each day.”

– T

“I wasn’t truly, in my heart and mind, aware I was ‘different’ from most heterosexual people for a long time in my life. I had always thought about women romantically and had relationships with women in high school and college. Although there was always a feeling in me, an attraction to men, that I couldn’t hide from.

“During my first year in graduate school, I struggled with this constant push and pull of being attracted to women and men. What is this, I would think. Am I gay? Am I straight? I was quiet about my feelings, my occasional desire to be with a man. I slowly explored my feelings and found that I was truly attracted to men and women, that bisexuality was a real and valid way to be and feel.

“Being bisexual isn’t a stepping stone to fully coming out as gay, at least not for me. It is simply a part of who I am. If I fall in love with a man, I will be happy. If I fall in love with a woman, I will be happy. Being able to be true to myself allowed me to be true to close friends.

“Just this past week (very fresh), I officially came out as bisexual to my family. It was the hardest thing that I have done in my life, but all my worries and what ifs were put aside when my family hugged me and said, ‘We love you no matter what.’ My father said this to me: ‘We love you and we will always welcome you home with open arms. And whoever you like/love and want to bring home, we will welcome them with a hug and open arms as well.’

“I am truly lucky.“

– J

“As a child, I always felt a little different. There were so many clues as to my orientation growing up, but I’d been so entrenched in religious doctrine by family and friends, the idea of being anything other than straight never seriously crossed my mind.

“My interests and hobbies never fully lined up with other boys my age. My cousins would eagerly volunteer to help my grandpa and uncles with their construction business, while I begrudgingly went along with them counting the moments until I could get home and help grandma bake.

“Around Christmas, my favorite pastime was helping my mom wrap gifts while making homemade bows for the gifts. We’d have music (Cher, Paula Abdul, or Shania Twain) or TV (Designing Women, Golden Girls, or Will and Grace) on in the background. To this day, I joke with my mother she did everything in her power to raise me to be gay. Despite these subtle hints, I didn’t know until much later in life.

“I had numerous crushes on classmates and friends throughout my childhood, but, at the time, I didn’t recognize the feelings for what they were. It wasn’t until I finally met an openly gay person that I seriously entertained the idea that I might myself be gay, but even then I pushed those thoughts aside for fear of spending an eternity in hell.

“It wasn’t until my first intimate experience with a man that I initially accepted my sexuality. I immediately began coming out to close family members (my mom and a few aunts) and a few close (or so I thought) friends. In retrospect, this wasn’t the wisest decision as I hadn’t fully figured out what being gay meant for me and how I would handle the pushback from society. Word quickly spread around my high school. Rumors flew and I was challenged as to how I was certain this wasn’t a phase and being an insecure young person, I began to once again question if I really was gay. I received notes from ‘friends’ warning me of the fiery depths of hell who kindly noted they would pray for my sin. I went into hiding for the first half of my senior year. Six months of depression and questioning who I was ensued.

“It wasn’t until early February when a distant friend reached out and encouraged me to be me and not focus on being a gay version or a straight version of myself. To this day, I look back on that moment as a turning point. Those words were more empowering than I can begin to explain. They let me be me.”

– D

“My childhood did not prepare me for this. I grew up in a restrictive, desperately religious home and, while I would like to say that it was mostly a good thing, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t. I’m still healing the scars clawed into me by religion years later. Because I was so deeply rooted in religious conservatism as a child and teen, the idea that I might not be straight didn’t even occur to me until I was 19 (and even then, only as a fleeting thought).

“I was in an abusive relationship with a man, which I ran from by moving three hours from home. In this newly chosen place, I fell in love with another man and lived my life as his girlfriend for another five years. Toward the end of our relationship, I started to realize that I didn’t feel the absence of attraction toward women as seemed socially ‘appropriate.’ I realized, slowly but surely, that I was definitely not straight.

“Being a progressive, confident (or so I thought), in-charge woman, I was immediately perfectly okay.

“Kidding. I spent many hours crying to a few high school acquaintances over the phone who shared with me that they were openly gay, and I owe them a debt of gratitude I’ll never be able to repay.

“Ultimately, I came to terms with the fact that I am pansexual over a long period of time, and one day I simply knew that I had always know. That night, I told my long-term boyfriend, thinking he would be happy for me, that I had learned this thing about myself and that I was beginning to fully understand and accept who I was. Instead, he became very angry, leaving me at a table at a restaurant in tears wondering what I’d done wrong.

“He left me about two months later, and, while there were many issues with our relationship, I will always wonder if this may have played a role. Since the end of that relationship, I’ve learned much more about myself and truly come to terms with the fact that I can be attracted to any gender. I think there will still be days where it causes a twinge of shame because of my upbringing, but my experience motivates me to ensure that no one, especially my children, ever has to face that shame.”

– M

“It’s hard to pinpoint a moment when, at the bottom of my heart, I always knew. Having learned the skill of self-reflection over the years, however, I’ve been able to trace back and remember the moment where I was like ‘YUP! THERE IT IS!’

“That moment was none other than watching the movie Labyrinth, starring David Bowie. In this movie, his characters stands up from his throne to sing ‘Magic Dance.’ (If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.) There, in that moment, I realized that men in tight pants would be part of my life for years to come.“

– T

“Throughout high school and college, I had many boyfriends. So many, in fact, that family often joked about them. I constantly found flaws and characteristics in these partners, then broke it off. I often wondered if I was being too picky, but something always seemed to be missing. At the same time, in both high school and college, I found myself so interested in the ‘tomboy’ girls at school. I wondered, as an athlete, whether I just wanted to be like them or if I was actually attracted to them. I brushed the thoughts off and told myself, ‘Of course I don’t like them. They’re just really good at (fill-in-the-blank sport) and I’m envious of that.’ But, in the back of my mind, I always knew.

“When I got to college, my coach was a lesbian and had a partner. I was so interested in their relationship and often envious of it. I wanted to know more, but didn’t know where to turn. Randomly I would hear someone say, “Well so-and-so’s a lesbian’ or ‘well, she has a girlfriend,’ and I found myself quickly tuning in. I kept ignoring, however, the signs of interest within me.

“In my third year of college, I formed a close friendship with someone who identified as a lesbian. I loved how real this person was, how brave and … attractive? This was the confusing part. I constantly wanted to be around her. I loved the confidence she exuded and was drawn to learning more about the LGBT+ community.

“Enter grad school. Wow, two years of the biggest ups and downs of my life. A time where we were encouraged to do more self-discovery than I knew was possible. A time when I got to see classmates and friends become their bravest selves. A time when I knew I could no longer hide this big part of my identity. And that’s when I knew I needed to say it out loud. I didn’t know all the fancy words, but I knew how I felt. And I was so ready to let others know this as well. Saying the words felt unbelievably terrifying but also ridiculously freeing. I could be 100% me.”

– D